Ran's diary: on changes
by tively-split
Summary: Explains why Ran started keeping a diary, and what she thinks about some of the major changes in her life.


Disclaimer: Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama.   
  
Note: the following is set after volume 26 of the manga (which would be after episode 193 or so of the anime IIRC).

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Ran's diary   
  
Today I decided to start keeping a diary. I hope that writing things down will help me cope better than I have till now. Of course, I did want to feel **completely** free to write down my most private thoughts. Which meant that just buying a diary **with** a lock was **not** enough. After all, one measly lock could never be much of a match for Conan-kun's insatiable curiosity. So I **accidentally** told Conan-kun I was getting it because Araide-sensei said I should keep better and more detailed track of my 'monthlies' and such. (Yeah, right, like I'd **ever** say something **that** embarrassing by accident!) But it served the purpose of securing my privacy. Not to mention the fringe benefit of seeing Conan-kun turn a truly **_exquisite_** shade of red ... and quiet, too! Maybe I should tell him lies like that more often... Ah, what a priceless moment!   
  
It's just awful, isn't it, what a girl has to do just to get some privacy these days? 

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Changes   
  
Once upon a time, things were ... well, _different_, anyway. Dad didn't have much work. He kept complaining about cases getting handled by amateurs instead of pros. Amateur meaning Shinichi and pro meaning Dad, of course. Shinichi was just his usual irritating self, as always. At that time he'd been doing his 'detecting maniac' thing for ... hm, actually, not even for very long, come to think of it. And to be fair, he **was** quite brilliant at solving cases. His showmanship quickly caught the eye of the local media, who couldn't get enough of it ... and started calling him 'high school detective' to boot. Needless to say, Dad really just loved seeing **that** name show up in the headlines... Not! And then there was the fact that all that media exposure caught the romantic fancies of all too many women. Hmph! But it's not like I cared. 'Cause I didn't.   
  
Come to think of it, isn't that also when I won the city karate tournament? Wow, it sure **feels** a lot longer ago than it actually is! Anyway, Shinichi'd promised to take me to that new amusement park if I won. So after I forcibly _reminded_ Shinichi of that promise, we went. And it was fun, really, once I got Shinichi to talk about other things than Sherlock Holmes and detecting and things like that. I really had looked forward to it and it was all I'd hoped it would be. That is, until one of the guys on the roller coaster we went on got murdered. It was soooo horrible! But Shinichi solved it as brilliantly as he usually did. Unfortunately something else caught his eye as we were leaving, so he told me to keep on heading for home and he'd catch up with me later.   
  
I didn't know it then, but that was the day change came to town. For me, personally. And big time. Because Shinichi more or less vanished after that. And more more than less, blast him! Thank goodness he hasn't _entirely_ left: every now and then he phones me. But if it weren't for that, I'd have really started to believe in alien abductions or 'tragic cursed spring of drowned vanished detective' ... or worse.   
  
Back then Shinichi could get soooo full of himself... I could hardly stand him, sometimes. But I took him down a notch or two, when I felt like he needed it. And when didn't he, anyway? (Believe me, a few karate lessons can be very handy in more ways than one!) To be fair though, it's not like Shinichi was **all** bad. Whenever I really needed him, he was there. And if I wanted to talk to him or see him or just feel close to him, all I had to do was go over to his place.   
  
When I remember that, I could just kick myself, almost. I **could** have seen him more and I **should** have, too. But I can't anymore, he's not there. All those stupid big and complicated cases of his! Well, he keeps mumbling along those lines every time I bother to ask him when he's coming back, anyway. I try not to ask that anymore, though. I don't want to hear more of the same old excuses. Things changed is all, really, and I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself. How could I have known how much everything would change, just like that?   
  
Anyway, Shinichi left and Conan-kun showed up and ended up living here. Conan-kun is sweet and cute, but he can also be a terror at times. He can get so into playing detective and finding the truth. Which is when he turns into Mr. 'Reckless and Relentless' himself, for whom no obstacle will prove too much! **And** into 'Curious George'. I'll bet he'd like to know what I'm snickering about now!   
  
When Conan-kun started living here Dad improved a lot at solving cases and began to get a lot more work. He's said Conan-kun is like a lucky charm that makes all of his cases easier. Albeit one he finds really annoying at times. I'm glad Dad's getting more and better cases, it's nice not to have to worry about how we're going to pay for things. Unfortunately he's also becoming somewhat of a celebrity. One who pays **way** too much attention to his pretty female fans! Why can't he pay more attention to **Mom**? How come he never notices how pretty **she** is? Why doesn't he realize Mom'll _never_ move back if he keeps that up? The dumb, blind, stupid jerk!   
  
And there are more dark sides to Dad's success. So many of his cases are about murders and some of them are just so very sad. I guess **all** killings are very sad, but still. Not to mention that some of the suspects we've met were quite prepared to do whatever they thought it would take for them to get away with it. Am I ever glad I'm good at karate! Not to mention that it helps me to intimida--, I mean gently **_persuade_** Dad and Conan-kun to see things my way sometimes.   
  
And then there's Conan-kun, who almost magically turned me into a sort-of older sister. He really tries hard to be a good little brother. **Most** of the time, anyway. And he does his best to cheer me up when I'm feeling bad or worried or lost. But he's also so very headstrong and stubborn and even more of a troublemaker than I remember Shinichi ever being. It's really **_amazing_** how much Conan-kun resembles Shinichi. So much so that I've thought that somehow, someway he **was** Shinichi. More than once, even. Which is really weird, isn't it? But it really **did** seem that way sometimes...   
  
The first few times that happened I got majorly upset. Did he think it was all just a joke? Was he laughing at me all the time I was worried about him? Didn't he care at all about what I went through? But then the real Shinichi would call, or something else would happen and I'd come back to my senses. Still, later on I began to think the same way again. And while it lasted it was good, I felt warm and protected and happy. Of course, I tried never to let on about my suspicions, but it all seemed so clear to me then...   
  
That all changed, though, after the school play that Shinichi **and** Conan-kun **and** Hattori-kun all attended. Shinichi was there, and by that time I **had** learned to seize the moment: I didn't stop to think, I just enjoyed his presence to the max. Though, come to think of it, he did act a bit ... **odd** then, a few times... He certainly wasn't the only one, though. Conan-kun seemed almost like a completely different person for a few days. I guess he hadn't completely gotten over getting shot yet. Funny how the physical part of something like that can be over almost before you know it, but the psychological part can take much longer to recover from. I'm really glad Conan-kun became his usual happy self the day after that. And then there was Hattori-kun's trying to pass himself off as Shinichi! What a dunce! **Anyone** who saw him move or heard him speak would have instantly known he wasn't Shinichi! Kazuha-chan's sure going to have her hands full, if and when! On the other hand, I guess all detecting addicts are kind of strange one way or another, aren't they?   
  
In my own way I've also been infected by the strangeness that seems to go with detecting. So I guess I'd better not try to sound as if I'm any better than the boys. I caught the first glimmerings of it the time Shinichi invited me for dinner at that fancy restaurant. And **why** did we go **there**, anyway? I wouldn't have thought a place like that would suit him... And then there was, well, **whatever** it was that Shinichi kept trying to tell me but somehow couldn't seem to say. I tried to discuss it later, but it's like he simply won't talk about it on the phone for some reason. Not that he's ever said that in so many words, but that's how I'm reading it.   
  
Anyway, there we were, having a nice dinner together... And wouldn't you know it, but screams rang out from somewhere next door, and people started to whisper about a possible murder case there. And that is when the oddest, weirdest, and in retrospect sweetest thing I've ever seen started to happen right there, right in front of me. That case **had** to be screaming 'solve me' at Shinichi's detecting instincts. But Shinichi did his best to ignore it! He was willing to go **that** far against his own inclinations, just for me! He really **is** sweet, in his own way.   
  
I began to understand then that Shinichi is simply Shinichi, and what that would mean for me. I really hate the fact that he can't seem to resist cases that keep him away from me. But his case-loving side is one part of a whole person, I simply can not have him without also getting that part of him as well. Even though he still needs to be cut down to size more often than not, I lo--, I mean I like him as he is. In fact I actually **need** to give him the freedom to be who he is **especially** when he is with me. Because if I don't, he'll do his best to suppress the parts of himself he thinks I don't like when we're together. I know he will, absolutely. But by doing so he'd be denying and hurting himself. Which would hurt me as well. Because when **he**'s cut **I** also bleed. Somehow that's just the way it is. Anyway, I realized at that time that I needed to give him as much freedom to be himself as I possibly could. And that's why I told him I wouldn't mind if he went next door to investigate that case.   
  
And then, of course, that **_unbelievable_**... idiot, fool, creep, jerk! He **would** just finish solving that one case and immediately take off after another one! He's soooo lucky phones can't pass on karate moves! And am I ever glad Conan-kun was there then. And that he told me Shinichi'd asked me to wait for him because he **would** come back to me no matter what. But at that time I wasn't ready to take much comfort from the 'coming back' thing yet. If I hadn't had to put up a strong, grown-up front for Conan-kun I think I might have almost lost myself crying. Not to mention that pretending to be happier than I really am for Conan-kun's sake _has_ actually helped me feel better before. Funny how pretending to feel a certain way can help you _really_ feel that way. On the other hand, the pigging out on ice cream on Shinichi's tab didn't hurt **me** much, either. It was the very **least** that idiot owed me!   
  
I know Conan-kun isn't Shinichi. But I find myself wishing I could go back to believing he is. Because I want to feel happy. I want to feel close to Shinichi again. And maybe, just maybe if we were together more, I'd finally be able to scrape up the nerve to tell him how I feel about him. I want to do that very, very much. At the same time even just _thinking_ about it almost scares me to death! Isn't that weird? I know that even if we were together, it wouldn't be a _complete_ happiness with no dark sides at all. But it would be so much better than it is now.   
  
There _is_ one more thing I haven't mentioned yet, something that's a bit strange, perhaps. A number of times when I needed and was being helped, I looked to see who was helping me and I saw Shinichi. And the thing is that later on other people would tell me that it was Conan-kun who'd helped me, not Shinichi. I wonder, why did my eyes play tricks on me like that? I suppose there's probably some weird psychological explanation for it. But it helps me feel just a little bit happier, it really does. And I'm going to take all the comfort from that that I can. 

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(Beika city's insurers are pleased to report that no streetlights or other defenseless inanimate objects were subjected to untimely stressful encounters with a certain karate team captain's limbs during the production of this diary entry.) 

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Well, that concludes my first fanfic (though I have seen fit to heavily revise the first version). Please do tell me about anything in it that bothered you, or felt wrong, or could have been better. I'd like to improve my skills as a fanfic author and to do that I really need the help of critical readers... 


End file.
